Fat Boy Doctrine

As I've put on weight, I've noticed that my thinking process now revolves largely around creating circumstances that allow me to shove large amounts of cheese covered food down my gullet. I've also noticed that I've developed a kind of a moral code about food. I don't lecture people about wasting food. I just watch their plate. If I see waste coming, I develop a plan to attain the wasted food in a clandestine manner, and covertly shove it down my gullet. If anyone sees me, I immediately begin to lecture about the insidious evil of waste in this country.

One additional element of my new persona is that when I miss an opportunity as I described, I then have to wait until everyone leaves and dig in the trash until I find that food..... does the five second rule apply to trash cans? Yeah, I think so too.