Future Ray

I used to go to listen to the wisdom of the old men when I was younger. One in particular, who was called Future Ray because he claimed to have traveled back from the future, was my favorite. I think the Dumpster behind The Twisted Torso Tavern must have been where he arrived from the future, because he hung out there a lot. Nevertheless, I do remember a few nuggets of wisdom from him. He once said, "Always remember son, that I am the god of fast turtles," and once he made intense eye contact and told me "Don't forget that I am from the future and I could rip your skinny little ass in half if I needed to... and drink your evil blood from both halves, you little shit-punk."

He also said that coins and dollars transferred from me to him would buy favor in the future dystopia, which was ruled harshly by rats, both large and small, who wore hats, but spoke very distinctly and never used swear words.

I always struggled to apply his wisdom, probably because I'm just not that smart. I do remember concluding that the future smelled like a sweaty rat dance party, with little soiled tuxedos and waves of bad rat breath. It followed him from the future -- that's probably why he left, and why he drank so much. Perhaps the future he had escaped would occasionally cause him to lose bladder and bowel control -- so I never mentioned it. The future must be quite terrible.